


It Isn't About Love

by posingasme



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel, Angst, Big Brother Dean, Depression, Hurt Sam Winchester, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-04
Updated: 2015-04-04
Packaged: 2018-03-21 04:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3677211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/posingasme/pseuds/posingasme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel begins to wonder if he is the only one who still feels anything in this relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Isn't About Love

Dean stared them both down with his relentless green eyes, hissed, "Fix this," and slammed the door to the motel room so hard the whole wall shook.

Castiel glowered at Sam, then turned and stared at nothing, with his hands at his side.

Sam glared at his back, and sat down on the chair, with his arms crossed in defiance.

There was silence between them.

The only creature more stubborn than Castiel, Fallen Angel of Heaven, was Sam Winchester. And he was not going to budge. Castiel knew that. But he was not going to apologize for something he had not done, and he was not going to let Sam pretend he was not at least half responsible for this fight. At least half. And Castiel felt that was a generous estimate.

"Well?" Sam demanded.

Anger poured over him like a wave of hot water. He whirled to face the hunter. "Well?" he repeated. "Perhaps you could be more specific!"

"You didn't fly off, so I'm assuming you've got something to say."

"I do," he snapped. "You are childish and require too much maintenance!"

He could actually feel the heat radiating from Sam as his eyes flashed in fury. "You did not just say that to me."

Castiel's hands shrugged wildly. "You've been sulking since last night! You sulked every minute since last night except for the ten minutes you spent tangling with that demon we had staked out. Excuse me, but that qualifies as childish and high maintenance!"

Sam rose to his full stance, as he did whenever he felt threatened, as though he could intimidate an angel with something so trivial as height. "I am not sulking."

"Perhaps the vernacular is incorrect. Forgive me. What I meant to say is that you are being juvenile. Puerile. Adolescent. Infantile. You're being dour. Pouty. You're brooding."

"And you're insensitive, you holy jackass! You bloodless, soulless...How do you think it feels to watch you..." Angry tears cut him off, and he turned away again.

Castiel sighed in frustration. "Sam, I don't know how you can be angry with me for doing what needed to be done to acquire what we needed. I've seen you and Dean do it a hundred times." That was an exaggeration. He had seen Dean do it thirteen times, and Sam four. But he had learned that it was sometimes more meaningful to utilize superlative or hyperbolic language in an argument. "Dean said-"

"Dean's not in this relationship, is he?"

"More than you are some days!" Castiel watched Sam's mouth drop in silhouette, and he flinched. He had not meant to say that. No matter what, he did not mean to hurt Sam.

"I can't believe you just said that," Sam croaked, as though the breath had been knocked from his lungs.

"I...I'm sorry, Sam. That was unfair. That was-"

"That was horrible," Sam supplied hoarsely. Tears flowed down his cheeks.

The angel sighed. "I'm very sorry, Sam. I wish I hadn't said that. But it isn't...it isn't so far from how I do feel...sometimes. You think I didn't consider your feelings in that pub last night, but I did. I just...thought you might not care."

Sam took a step toward him, then stopped. "How could you say that? You say you've seen us do it a hundred times, but I have not flirted with or kissed anyone since we...since you and I...How could you think I wouldn't care that you went back to a motel room with someone else, for a case? Does sex mean that little to you? Am I not...enough? I can't...It was a woman; is that the thing? How could you think I wouldn't care?"

There were too many questions in that tirade, so many things that needed to be addressed, but he felt it prudent to reply to the question which had been asked thrice. "I thought you wouldn't care because it's been a long time since I've felt that you cared." Perhaps that was too simplistic to have meant anything. He was not sure Sam would be able to decode it.

But he should have known better. Sam could speak Castiel's version of English better than most. "How long?" he whispered, taking another step.

Castiel licked his lips. His chest hurt in a way it really shouldn't. He wondered briefly if there was something wrong with the vessel. "A long time," he confessed. "I don't know much about human relationships. I've seen them, of course. But I never cared to pay attention before. Is it normal for one in a pair to pull back for months at a time?" He feared sounding needy. He was an angel, for Father's sake. But it was difficult to keep the hurt from his voice.

Sam's eyes lowered to stare at his own hands. "Um. No. No, it isn't."

Castiel dropped onto the bed. He felt frustrated, hurt, and a bit afraid. Perhaps this was the beginning of the end for him and Sam. He had always worried that a monster's wrath would come and steal his lover from him, but no. It was going to be his own incompetence in love that did it. If this was it, it was because he had not made Sam happy, and then had made him angry. He had nothing to blame but himself.

But he needed to set the record straight first. "Sam, I did nothing with that woman. We did not even go to her motel room. I bought her a coffee, and she told me what we needed to know about the demon who possessed her. You should know that."

The hazel eyes closed. "Why didn't you say that before?"

"Why did I need to? Sam, I know some humans have no need for monogamy, but I'm perfectly aware that you expect it, and you deserve it if that's what you want. In any case, I have never wanted any human but you. I have never truly wanted any creature at all but you, except for a time, Meg or Hannah; eons ago perhaps Anael crossed my mind. But even those three, even the reaper, I never wanted the way I want you. I haven't...haven't had you in a long time, but that doesn't mean I suddenly don't want you, or that I want someone else."

"I'm sorry, then. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. You didn't come back for hours. I thought..."

Castiel frowned. "Sam, are you able to explain why you're so unhappy with me? Is there something I can do? Or...or would you prefer that I stop trying?"

Sam turned away from him, walked a few steps which seemed to put a kilometer between them. "Oh, Cas."

The angel's vessel began trembling. It had never done that, aside from the times he and Sam had sexual relations. This was far, far less enjoyable. This hurt. "Sam, I lie beside you at night when you sleep, but you turn from me. And it's the only time you let me touch you at all. I have kissed your hair more than your lips these past many weeks."

"That's not true."

He stared up at the back of Sam's head-too familiar a vision. "It is true, Sam," he murmured. "I've counted, without meaning to."

The large man laughed out a sob. "You always count everything," he said quietly.

"You asked if I wanted something different, if you were not enough. Sam, even if you never allow me to touch you again, you will always be enough. Just being permitted to love you and watch over you is enough. But I cannot pretend it doesn't hurt, and badly, that I'm not enough for you. I've tried to be patient. I spoke to Dean about it-"

He saw the violent flinch shake Sam's body.

Castiel looked down at his hands in shame. "I didn't know what else to do. You wouldn't speak to me about anything...Dean said he thought you might be afraid. That this relationship might frighten you somehow. I didn't understand, but he told me not to worry, that you would...come around. I tried to wait, Sam, but if you are angry with me for buying coffee for a woman I have no interest in, yet won't sit for coffee with me yourself, let alone...anything more intimate, I'm afraid I don't know what to do anymore."

Sam's silence pierced his heart.

"Perhaps I was out of line saying you were childish, but I get the impression that adults who love one another don't do this. You...you may no longer love me, but I believe you still care about me, at least a little, and if so, I would ask that you be honest. I'm an angel, Sam. As Dean suggested earlier today, your passive-aggressive silent treatment is not your best strategy with a celestial being. It only frustrates us both."

It was beginning to rain outside, and Castiel watched Sam turn toward the window to stare at the drops hitting the glass. He thought for a moment that Sam still did not intend to speak to him.

He sighed and stood. "I'm sorry. I'll go," he murmured.

But at the same instant, Sam had also spoken. "Please don't give up on me."

It was spoken so softly that he hesitated, wondering if he had misheard. "Sam?"

The shoulders were shaking now. It broke Castiel's heart to know his human was in pain.

"Sam, please," he pleaded softly.

"Don't give up on me, Castiel. Please." Suddenly, red-rimmed eyes awash in tears were above his own, and a large hand was reaching for his. "Please, I love you so much. Please don't give up on me."

Very slowly, as if approaching a frightened wild animal, Castiel moved to hold his human in his strong arms. "Sam, you never, ever have to say that to me. I will wait eons if you tell me there is any chance of making you happy. And like no one you have ever known, I understand the full meaning of that promise. I'm so in love with you, Sam. There is nothing I wouldn't do just for the opportunity to love you. I don't know how to make you happy, what I haven't done. But I'll do anything, if you'll just tell me. Tell me."

Sam's face was in his shoulder now, and Castiel lifted his bulk with ease to carry him to the bed and lay them both down on it. Sam curled into him as if afraid to lose contact Castiel had no intention of voluntarily giving up. He wept for twenty minutes, and the angel could not be sure he understood the soothing words he spoke into the soft brown hair, but he thought the hunter could at least hear his voice.

Finally, he kissed the top of Sam's head, and the man lifted his chin to lock his eyes on Castiel's own. "I'm sorry."

"Please tell me if I can make you happy, Sam."

"I don't know."

It hurt worse than an angel's blade. But he nodded. "All right. That's not a no."

He shook his head. "It's not a no," Sam agreed. "Because if there is anyone who can make me happy, Castiel, it's you. I just can't...I can't promise you it's even possible. I don't know why."

This time, he kissed the man's nose. "Did I ever make you happy, Sam?" He almost could not breathe. No matter what happened next, no matter how his heart broke from here on, he desperately wanted to believe there had been a time when he had been what Sam needed. It was selfish, perhaps. It was hard to know anymore what constituted vanity and pride. But he needed something, some small token to wear as armor against being crushed entirely under this love for Sam.

"You're the only one who ever did. And, Cas, it isn't about you making me happy. It's not up to you to do that."

"I want to," he whispered in a quiet, frantic voice.

"I know you do. You're good to me, Cas. And I really love you. But this isn't about that. It's about me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't been like this since...since you and Dean were in Purgatory. I don't want you to touch me because I don't want to be a burden. I know it doesn't make sense. I can't help it. It's how I feel."

"Sam, I can heal depression, if that's what this is. But it will come back. I could heal it each and every time, but it will come back. You will need a human doctor, Sam."

The eyes closed again. "I know. I just don't want to..."

"You are not a burden, Sam. Nor do you have to carry this as a burden yourself. Now that you are speaking to me, and letting me touch you, I can feel how much you have been hurting. I will heal you tonight, and in the morning, you will seek out a human doctor who understands what you need."

Sam nodded slowly. "I'm so sorry, Castiel. You deserve someone better than this thing I'm becoming. You deserve someone like Dean, or Hannah. Someone strong enough. You deserve someone who deserves you."

"Sam, I will never stop trying to be what you deserve. I won't push for anything you don't want, for touching or talking you don't want to give, but please never worry again that I am giving up on us, or seeking something else. That cannot happen. I don't have the capability to love anyone but you, and I am incapable of not loving you. So we may as well take that worry off your list. I will back off if you want. But I will always come when you call."

"Please don't back off. Hold me."

He did so, feeling the warmth through their clothing, and sighing in exhausted gratitude for the contact. "You are important to me, Sam. Whatever this is, please never stop fighting it."

He let his Grace wash over his hunter, the strongest man he had ever known, and instead of implementing the heal through his two fingers as he was wont to do, he delivered it through a kiss to Sam's forehead. He could feel the muscles relaxing and the tears beginning anew, and he felt Sam sigh with relief, and immediately fall asleep in his arms.

It would come back, of course. He could heal problems of a spiritual nature, as well as physical. But it would come back. It was not a cure, not really. It was a bandage, and the wound would need to be maintained for a long time, maybe all of Sam's life. But he would be right there to help in any way he could.

"Please, my love," he breathed. "Please always keep fighting."

**Author's Note:**

> This is my tribute to Jared's very successful and sincere Always Keep Fighting campaign for "To Write Love On Her Arms." Hope you got your shirt, and I hope you find support if you need it. It's never too early or too late to ask for help.


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